My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
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a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”