My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
philosophical skeletons be like
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/