My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
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bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof