My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
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I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
house sitting!
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid