My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
We’ve all been there…
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
The answer is funnier than the question
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.