My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
The little toadstool has spoken.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts