My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
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Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.