My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
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Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*