@dimplesticks

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

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@carlyken

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

@iLikeCatShirts

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

@iinkedZombie

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

@imence2

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

@ristolable

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

@Book_Krazy

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

@Sanbel11

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

@Book_Krazy

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

@badbanana

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.