My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
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“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.