My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
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[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.