My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.