Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

called in thicc to work this morning

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.