My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
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Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Twitter fine art
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*