My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
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coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Finally, a door that understands me
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]