My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
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Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch