My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.