My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.