My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
You Might Also Like
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
this is what they would have looked like, though
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail