My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
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[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Don’t tell me what to do
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
There is no try. There is only give up.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.