My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Jogging
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.