My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
A woman drives into a bar.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.