My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married