My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
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me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead