My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
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In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Most fashion shows these days…
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.