My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
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Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Good boy 😂😂
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.