My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
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It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
LMAO.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.