My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
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I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
mom had nothing to worry about
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.