My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
You Might Also Like
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
nature’s most graceful animal
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
How it started: How it’s going: