My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
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*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
WTF
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.