My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
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5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”