My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
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I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”