My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
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The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM