My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
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They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids