My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
wtf management?!
The internet is full of many things
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
i meant to share this earlier
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Get in loser we’re going crying
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up