My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
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Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
This is hilarious….
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.