My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
You Might Also Like
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation