My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Just why bro?!
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL