My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?