My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
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The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?