My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
You Might Also Like
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires