My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
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Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Meow?