My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
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I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Can’t stop laughing
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back