My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
You Might Also Like
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.