My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*