[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Bloody internet 😳
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
we’re dead?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”