My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
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me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Taco Bell, Exit 22