My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
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I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14