My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
You Might Also Like
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
saw this in a dream
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.