“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
You Might Also Like
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.