My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
#oldknees
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”