My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
You Might Also Like
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.